"Total Eclipse of the Heart"

Pictures speak for themselves.

They don't need to be explicit to tell a story.

And yet, the obvious may not actually be an adequate presentation of the captured moment.

I saw many pictures today :)

Some of me, some of my loved ones.

I saw the picture of me and Sam, dressed up, matching colours, matching smiles.

I smile.

I saw pictures of Sam, Jono and their elder brother Ashley, when they were kids.

I smile. I imagined their childhood as if watching an old video recording. I could see their parents' love reflecting from their eyes. I could see competition.. mischief. Bliss.

I saw pictures of Milo, who is currently lost (we suspect stolen).

I smile. Milo's squinty eyes look past the camera.. staring straight at his owner, proudly, as she took the photo. He was on my lap, while I was on th driver's seat, parked of course, with his front paws perched on the steering wheel. Such small creature.. yet balls of steel. Unfortunately.

I saw pictures of Sam and his mother taken on his 21st birthday.

I smile. I remember the story she told us, about how much alcohol was wasted that day. I remember the story she told of her and Sam's father. Forever love, confirmed at age 17. I remember Jono, Sam and I sitting with their mom, chit chatting, before we went to bed. Which made me remember my mom. Because my siblings and I did the same.

I saw pictures of Sam and his previous love.

I blinked. I paused. Mixed feelings. But can you blame me?

I remember seeing the photo the first time. Saved the photo, looked for my best friend online, send the photo to him, and said "Jay! how hot is this mix?? She's mixed everything. Dutch, Indon, Indian etc etc I can't remember all". And Jay said, "She's okay, I guess. Who's the guy??!?"

I smile.

I remember seeing the same photo shortly after I got to know Sam, and remember feeling... confused, no, rather, curious. At this time, I was holidaying in Malaysia. This was also the same time I discovered Sam and Sam were no longer Facebook friends. Which made me even more curious. I never knew what happened between them (at that time). But from what I gathered in my few encounters with Sam, I knew, he rather not talk about it. And one thing I learnt from the past was, "letting nature take it's course", and by asking about his past.. especially after getting the vibe that I shouldn't ask, I believe is pushing nature.

I remember thinking about this shortly after I came back from holidays. And Sam and I had been dating for some weeks now. He had told me about his story. I listened. I cringed with him, I sighed with him, I laughed, I was in awe, I was speechless. I was touched. I remember, after knowing, and looking at the same photo again when I came across it... I smiled. I understood why the photos were still there. Just because something ended badly, didn't mean you had to regret the entire journey. I remember feeling so much more respect for Sam then.

Then, I remember coming across the same photo.. few days ago. I stared. And stared. And stared. Staaaaaaarrrredd. And my heart sank. And I start to sulk. Unlike previously, I looked at this photo as if I saw it the first time, as his girlfriend. I didn't like it. I shut the window immediately, and distracted myself.

It's funny how time can change the littlest things. Half a year ago, I hadn't seen Sam for 3 months and I couldn't care less. A month ago, I hadn't seen him for a week, and I was devastated. Like real emo.

:)

I shall now end with..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cIRiZsDObrU

(Thanks Jono, for the perfect video recommendation/conclusion.)

Words to summarise recent weeks

• assignments
• Sam :))
• break
• lazy
• sleep ins
• Sam :))
• work
• uni
• airport runs
• Sam :))
• cooking
• Sam :))
• dining
• procrastinating
• debitssss :(
• pay rise :)
• thesis :(
• sunny
• tan

And more Sam :))))

:D

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

I want a new phone

*cry cry cry*

*whine whine whine*

waaahhhhhhhhhhhhh

In response to a friend's blog post

Click to view

I actually disagree with a lot of the things you mentioned there!

I do agree that sex education MUST be practiced. But I don't think simply advocating for abstinence will work. Kids will go on to do and experiment with whatever they are curious about. There is no stopping it. What I think we should do is provide the right type of education about sex including what actually happens during sex, how people might come to decide on having sex, how partying and the use of alcohol could influence one's sexual experience, the various perspectives of sex from OTHER cultures, the consequences of having protected as well as unprotected sex and of course diseases. And plenty more! By informing young teenagers, and treating them with respect, they will get the idea that having sex is far more beyond that just the intercourse itself. By being unbiased, and supportive no matter what, that is being nonjudgmental while providing them the right education, they will be more self-aware of themselves and know that they owe themselves the respect and also deserve respect from others. With that said, when they choose to engage in sexual intercourse before marriage and at a young age, as long as they are fully aware of the consequences and are being safe about it, I will be totally okay with it.

Kids will do whatever they want to do. In front OR behind you back. Their friends will talk about it. Movies show it. There’s the inevitable porn on websites that someone is bound to come across and share with others. I think the best thing to do is let them know that they are in control of their body, and to let them be aware of the things that could result from having sex.

From that, yes, I think a video showing childbirths would be appropriate. As long as the education is not one sided i.e. biased. Simply saying, "if you have sex, you will die" like the gym coach in the movie Mean Girls, just won't work. It's one of the most backward methods of premarital sex prevention ever.

With regards to the school you mentioned, I say, KUDOS.

All the things I mentioned before, about the right type of education about sex, is IMPOSSIBLE in Malaysia. Because we are too conservative and stubborn and downright backwards with our ways. Sex education just WON’T happen because sex is too taboo in our country. They believe that by including any material involving sex, will encourage sex. They refuse to believe that it’s happening, they refuse to believe that kids are maturing way early than before, and they refuse to believe that sex education is important. Because of that, Malaysia has pretty fucked up views about sex.

Sex is so taboo, but it’s everywhere. On TV, on the net, in music, in books... no matter how bad you make it sound, there are still a thousand more reasons people can think of to want to try it. But our country makes it so hard for people who actually want to learn or educate about it. Anyone who attempts to address it will be shunned as sex is really just TOO taboo to talk about. Just like no one ever talks about using protection for sex because, "we don't want them to have sex in the first place". It's bloody unrealistic. And when people do try to do the right thing, they feel disgusted about it. How many people do you know will not touch a condom?

I know the school may cause people to think that it is fine for people to get pregnant at 14 but think about the broader picture. Sex is happening and you can’t do anything to stop it. We can only do our best in guiding our youths to making an INFORMED decision when it comes down to it. For that to happen, everyone should stop demonising sex. And I think.... that school for pregnant teens, is a great way to break the barrier and makes a great WAKE UP call to the locals. It’s a big move, a bold move, that says, THIS IS WHAT’S HAPPENING AND WE SHOULD STOP DENYING OR AVOIDING IT.

And really, a lot of teens are misguided in this generation. And that can be due to everything and anything from poor quality education, disturbed family backgrounds, low self-esteem etc etc etc, that you can't simply BLAME them alone for falling pregnant. Falling pregnant can be one of the side effects of a larger problem, like maybe, parental neglect? Or divorce. Or whatever. Girls will always seek to be loved, and guys will always find a way to have sex, be it to tell the girl he loves her and will always love her and tell her that to show that she loves him back is to sleep with him. When someone is lost and vulnerable, they’re easily manipulated and they WILL believe that by sleeping someone means to show that you love the person.

Then when someone falls pregnant early, what happens? They become the talk of the town. They get rejected by their families, friends, they lose all things valuable to them at their most important and fragile time of their lives. A school that won’t blame or judge is perfect to build their hopes again, to be in a supportive environment with other people who know what you’re going through, to know your future is still in their hands, to know their goals aren’t diminished as long as they continue to work hard and strive. A lot of teenagers end up regretting having sex early. And it’s not just because they’re horny. A ton of things could influence that. Media, peer pressure, alcohol, values, and all the stuff I said before. These things are never black and white. And just because teenagers fall pregnant early doesn’t mean they deserve to struggle forever. And just because they got pregnant, doesn’t mean they were stupid. Some were bright, but naive girls who knew nothing about sex but were coerced into doing it. And some, were genuinely in love with their partners who genuinely love them back, who were aware of the consequences but would like to be intimate and nurture the trust, end up with an unplanned pregnancy even after using protection. They still deserve a second chance at developing their careers, no?

You know who you are

You're better than the best

I'm lucky just to linger in your light

Cooler than the flip-side of my pillow (that's right)

Completely unaware

Nothing can compare to where you send me

Let's me know that it's okay (yea, it's okay)

And the moments when my good times start to fade

You make me smile like the sun, fall outta bed

Sing like a bird,

Dizzy in my head

Spin like a record,

Crazy on a Sunday night

You make me dance like fool,

Forget how to breathe

Shine like gold,

Buzz like a bee

Just the thought of you can drive me wild

Oh, you make me smile

Even when you're gone

Somehow you come along just like a flower pokin through the sidewalk crack

And just like that

You steal away the rain

And just like that

Don't know how I lived without you

'Cuz everytime that I get around you

I see the best of me inside your eyes

You make me smile

You make me dance like fool, Forget how to breathe

Shine like gold, Buzz like a bee

Just the thought of you can drive me wild

Oh, you make me smile

It's been a rong rong time.

So couple of nights ago, my phone battery went flat after talking to my best friends. Jay was telling me about how he showed my pictures to this known M'sian photographer in KL. Both reckon I have potential right... and the guy said for me to give him a call when I drop by KL. Or to drop by KL to give him a call. Or something like that.

JJ said he's expensive.

And I said, I'm not paying.

What? I'm not paying!

I was talking to Sam about this on our way to Scott Pilgrim vs The World. He basically said exactly what I was feeling, except I couldn't think of the right words to verbalise it. Which was along the lines of, if he really truly, genuinely thought I had potential, and would like to see me out there fulfill my potential, he should be taking me under his photographer wings and offer his photography services to me for free and guide me through the tough model world and mentor me etc. Instead of charging me like everyone else. Because I'm not like everyone else. I'm not paying to get my pictures done, to get paid to get pictures done. If that makes sense.

You know I don't even think I'm that fantastic but really in a way this is a test of someone's authenticity. If you honestly do truly believe in me, you'd be offering yourself and make it a long term investment. Without question.

Like what my photographer friends did in KK :p

So, yeh. I'm not paying!

Anyway... Sam and I also talked about Miss Malaysia. He reckons, I shouldn't be limited to my parents' attitudes towards the pageant business. But that's kinda hard for me.. to do. I caused quite a frenzy last holidays. And I was only part of an interstate competition. Annndd.. I kinda gave them my word... that I'll never do such a thing again.

But after talking to Sam, I feel more inclined to join. For me, I'm not after the spotlight and fame. I'm not really as attracted to that part of the pageant, as I am to the opportunities beyond the runway and prizes. Last holidays, being in the competition, we did plenty of community work as part of the program. I'm hoping that by maybe joining Miss Malaysia, I can get back into that type of work and also train my networking skills for the future.

Previous pageant queens admitted to JJ that simply having titles on their resumes had helped them in their current careers. That would be a bonus for me! I think, it's not because of all the popularity (though there are still some factors of that I guess), but really because of the work experience and networking during the entire pageant.

The next selection would be in June apparently. I'd be done with my studies then.... I do actually have plans do some travelling after my graduation.... but if I'm taking up this challenge who knows, I might have the opportunity to travel anyway and get sponsored while doing so.

ZOMG. Hahaha. Guess I have to prepare my apologies for the parents again.

To friends reading this who have me on Facebook, don't mention anything about this on my wall please :p decision's not solid yet and I really don't want any interrogation from family members hahaha

Peace and love!