Ness bah kan!

Why do people hold grudges against their exes... I don't know. Let me just tell you... I myself am not perfect. No one can be at peace 24/7, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. At one point about a year ago, I was very sure I didn't want to hold a grudge against a certain ex. I made a choice and that choice was to accept the past without resentment. I managed to follow through, I managed not to grit my teeth every time my ex's name was mentioned.

And then tonight happened. I felt my teeth grit, my blood boil and my head steam. It's the best example of :):.

The :) part was me patting myself on the back, because I was right. I was fucking right the whole time. Something was not right about our relationship but I never had cold hard evidence. I was even half hoping for evidence so that I could make the decision quickly. The decision to stay with this guy or leave. Obviously, I noticed soon enough... that looking for a problem to leave the guy, is a pretty strong indication itself of a relationship not worth being part of. So, with little evidence, I broke up with the guy anyway. I didn't mourn over the relationship. I didn't miss him. I only started resenting him when I found out he moved on instantly. With a lot of people. I resented him SO much, because to me, this, was my evidence. Him moving on so quickly, was my evidence. I felt that I invested way more than he did emotionally, only now I had evidence. I felt that he was never mine, only now I had evidence. I was right the whole time. My gut was right the whole time. And I've always took pride for doing what I did, that was to break up before things became worse.

The ): part... really.. it comes and goes. And for the longest time I thought it went for good. I guess, tonight showed that its still there. I've only just successfully hid it at the back of my mind for a while, and it came out to play. The ): part is me feeling absolute hatred for this guy. I just want to punch his face. Or throw kettle bells at it or something. And this, just because I hear about him hitting on new colleagues and hooking up with them. IT MAKES ME SO ANGRY! but also depressed.. and embarrassed...... because it happened to me. I was played like a fool. And I thought I was so smart. I know we live and we learn, but this is a little different because I broke up with him without knowing any of this anyway. Now that I do, just feels like a huge slap on my face. The things is, its not his fault for being the kind of person that he is. I still fucking hate him for being that way, but I know wouldn't hate him this much if I hadn't disappointed myself this much.

Whats worse.. its pointless to even hold the resentment. But you know what? I think it's bloody okay. We're human. And its human to feel this way. It may not be productive, but I think its realistic. Instead of trying to fight against my natural emotions, I will.... let myself be. And boil over it, then get over it. Its just a matter of time. and age.. I guess. Whatever.

In the meantime, you have no idea how much this quote means to me right now.

"Someday, someone will come along, and you'll be thanking God none of your other relationships worked."

This quote really soften all the blows. And it does mean a lot to me in the sense that, I wouldn't appreciate the relationship I have with Sam as much as I do now, if my previous relationship (and what came after it) didn't happen. He is such a star in this silly haze.

I told him he's Professor X (X-men) and Jason Statham (Transporter) put in one. The perfect combination of class/suave and rustic. Of sharp and edgy. Of nerdy and sporty. Of calm and explosive etc etc