"Someday, someone will come along, and you'll be thanking God none of your other relationships worked."

Why do people hold grudges against their exes... I don't know. Let me just tell you... I myself am not perfect. No one can be at peace 24/7, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. At one point about a year ago, I was very sure I  didn't want to hold a grudge against a certain ex. I made a choice and that choice was to accept the past without resentment. I managed to follow through, I managed not to grit my teeth every time my ex's name was mentioned.

And then tonight happened. I felt my teeth grit, my blood boil and my head steam. It's the best example of :):.

The :) part was me patting myself on the back, because I was right. I was fucking right the whole time. Something was not right about our relationship but I never had cold hard evidence. I was even half hoping for evidence so that I could make the decision quickly. The decision to stay with this guy or leave. Obviously, I noticed soon enough... that looking for a problem to leave the guy, is a pretty strong indication itself of a relationship not worth being part of. So, with little evidence, I broke up with the guy anyway. I didn't mourn over the relationship. I didn't miss him. I only started resenting him when I found out he moved on instantly. With a lot of people. I resented him SO much, because to me, this, was my evidence. Him moving on so quickly, was my evidence. I felt that I invested way more than he did emotionally, only now I had evidence. I felt that he was never mine, only now I had evidence. I was right the whole time. My gut was right the whole time. And I've always took pride for doing what I did, that was to break up before things became worse.

The ): part... really.. it comes and goes. And for the longest time I thought it went for good. I guess, tonight showed that its still there. I've only just successfully hid it at the back of my mind for a while, and it came out to play. The ): part is me feeling absolute hatred for this guy. I just want to punch his face. Or throw kettle bells at it or something. And this, just because I hear about him hitting on new colleagues and hooking up with them. IT MAKES ME SO ANGRY! but also depressed.. and embarrassed...... because it happened to me. I was played like a fool. And I thought I was so smart. I know we live and we learn, but this is a little different because I broke up with him without knowing any of this anyway. Now that I do, just feels like a huge slap on my face. The things is, its not his fault for being the kind of person that he is. I still fucking hate him for being that way, but I know wouldn't hate him this much if I hadn't disappointed myself this much.

Whats worse.. its pointless to even hold the resentment. But you know what? I think it's bloody okay. We're human. And its human to feel this way. It may not be productive, but I think its realistic. Instead of trying to fight against my natural emotions, I will.... let myself be. And boil over it, then get over it. Its just a matter of time. and age.. I guess. Whatever.

In the meantime, you have no idea how much this quote means to me right now.

"Someday, someone will come along, and you'll be thanking God none of your other relationships worked."

This quote really soften all the blows. And it does mean a lot to me in the sense that, I wouldn't appreciate the relationship I have with Sam as much as I do now, if my previous relationship (and what came after it) didn't happen. He is such a star in this silly haze.

I told him he's Professor X (X-men) and Jason Statham (Transporter) put in one. The perfect combination of class/suave and rustic. Of sharp and edgy. Of nerdy and sporty. Of calm and explosive etc etc

Isn't he Professor X and Jason Statham in one body?????

:)

:p

I wanna watch this with the gufwens!

Food

Yeaahhh... quality of the xperia. The food were actually yummerzzzz, the photo didn't do it justice :)

We're cooking tomorrow!

Sam and I are having Cass, Marius, Clare, Joel and Gabe over for dinner tomorrow night :D

The menu:

For mains (same time with entree)

Peppered steak on salad leaves 

with grilled capsicum, avocado, purple onions 

and zucchini topped... with some feta.

Crispy skinned pork belly (roasted all day) 

with lemon, fennel and garlic seasoning

Spring roast chicken... Sam's style 

(i.e. I don't know exactly what goes on there, 

I just know its super delicious)

and

Sweet potato mash with honey mustard seeds

For dessert

I forgot what it's called 

but its a custard dessert that Gabe will be making in Sam's kitchen :D

Happy joy joy only food completes my life! (literally)

Lets hope I remember to take photos :)

For the person who told me to update something more interesting

Break ups are hard. One always feels worse than the other and when its time to finally let go, parts of us still remain scarred. We carry the hurt and we find ways to learn and grow with the hurt for future relationships to come. Sometimes the hurt brings more trouble, in the sense that one experience brought too much heartache you try to avoid making the same mistake in the next one, and because it hurt so much you try extra hard to stop it but end up neglecting other important aspects of a relationship.

Well, humans aren't like vampires. We don't have a switch for pain or feelings that we can turn on and off. We can only find new ways to get by. I can't promise the day will come when you finally stopped wondering about your previous half. I can't promise that he will never come back to you either. For as long as he remained the most interesting thing to think about, you will keep thinking about him. Regardless how much you've accepted that things are over.

The thing is, the best part is yet to come. That thing about, always hoping when you receive a text it is from that one person, about, always hoping a missed call was from the same person... one day someone will surprise you, about how long that "bliss" can last. I'm not talking about break ups anymore. I'm talking about meeting someone, who after 15 months of dating you're still hoping that whatever call or text you have on your phone is from that person. I never imagined this possible... but it really is one of the sweetest surprises of life.

Imagine the magnitude of feeling shitty, turned around to the same magnitude but feeling so excited. And the fact that its a feeling of excitement just makes it so much more empowering. I've said the things about time healing the wounds, and letting yourself feel emo to fully let things out, I've mentioned to imagine happiness without being dependent, and also things like being honest to yourself... what you truly want and be responsible about achieving them. Now I'm asking, imagine happiness while you're with someone, someone that you don't know yet, keep the image blurry. Someone who shares the same humor with you, the same temperament, someone who inspires you to be better than yourself without losing the slightest bit of who you truly are. And imagine that even after years of knowing each other, an unexpected text from that particular human being, still without fail lights up your day.

Just imagine. I'm not asking anyone to fantasize. Just to imagine.

And I can tell you with so much certainty, that one day, someone will surprise you with these delights and even more. I don't know what else to say, except be excited. Sure moments are dull right now, but you have no idea what's in store for you. Instead of looking at it with gloom, why not try think of it as something you should be excited about? Till that day of surprises comes, don't over-think the situation, instead, just know at the back of your mind that it will come soon enough.

:)

I have finally have a positive update

Sam is coming to KK with me later mid year :D

SHOOO EXCITED.

That's 2 months away!

heheheheheheheeh

Ok back to work.