Hmm

So like, I know I blogged about studying awhile ago, guess what.. I haven't been studying.

I've become more and more calculative with going about it. I'd see that I have just one assignment due every week. Though its shitty they're due one after another, it's not as bad as having A FEW due in one week. (?). So I've been going through my assignments one by one. I guess, weekend by weekend. I can't research for two assignments at a time its just a mind fuck. Hahaha... But so far once I started, I don't stop until I finish, which is always a good thing!

Anyway, I was having a chat with my best friend the other day. He apparently has plans for me to join Miss Malaysia and something else which I forgot. To be honest, I wouldn't mind. I wouldn't mind going after the 30/20/10K prize. I sure have just as many buts as before... but hey, I went through it. I learnt enough from it to know I won't die from joining. And as for the talent round, I guess I could practice my piano skills. And play some shitty less-than-Grade-1 song (I stopped learning at Grade 1... didn't even bother to do the Grade 1 exam hahaa). I reckon playing an easy song perfectly is better than singing or dancing! Tried the dancing, EASY moves okay and I still managed to fuck it up.

Although I wouldn't mind the pageant pursue, I couldn't promise Jay a yes. That's because the future right now, just looks so bloody misty. Here's why. I'm doing my final year of psychology this year (bachelor), and:

- I don't know if this is my actual final year, seeing it's been quite a struggle to keep up.

- I don't know if I will actually start my job training in July. And if so, I don't know if it won't affect my studies enough (and vice versa) in that I will pass the year and still have my job intact after.

- If I do pass the year, and still have my job, how long will I stay in the job? And how can I fit Miss Malaysia in the calendar?

- If I do pass the year, and still have my job, and also able to join Miss Malaysia, when the fuck can I actually do my post-graduation travels?

I feel like the only way things could work out is if the July training got cancelled because there are not enough numbers. That would give me more time to fixate on my studies for the rest of the year and make sure I pass. That would also allow me to go back for holidays end of year PLUS the Vancouver visit PLUS the post-graduation travelling if I wanted PLUS Miss Malaysia.

But the thing is I WANT THIS JOB SO BADLY. I'm so afraid I'd have to choose in July. Should I just hope they tell me there aren't enough people for the July training that they'll post pone it to 2011? That could happen right? It's possible?

Pardon the whinge

Time’s pulling all sorts of tricks on me. There’s just one more year to go and I’ll be out of the studying scene. I can’t wait for it to be over, seriously. That said I feel like I need EXTRA time for my assignments and things. I need extra time to understand what the fuck I’m reading. I need extra time to learn the work I’ll be doing. I need extra time for myself, for reflection. I need extra time to calm down. I need extra time for friends. I just need time, yet I can’t wait for it to past!

People say we’ll miss this anxiety once we graduate, that we’ll want to go back to rushing assignments in before the due dates. I… actually do not see this in my future. Last year during the semester break month, I spend about 4 days a week in a café working my butt off. And I loved it. As the units for the next semester were unrelated to the previous one, there was nothing to worry about all month. No due dates. No research homework. No group meetings - Just the perfect balance of work, rest and play. Though I may have felt some sort of stress while working, normally it’s the kind of stress that ends after I sign off. I wasn’t in any managerial position so I needn’t worry about stocks and profits etc.

I loved getting paid and then spending the money on catching up/parting with friends, going out to dinners, and to the movies. I didn’t earn that much money but the money was enough to keep me comfortable. Now that I’m just an unemployed (soon employed) student, I can’t afford to do anything. I can’t look my friends whenever I want because I need to conserve fuel for going to uni and going to group meetings. I can’t just go out to dinner whenever I want because if I did I wouldn’t have enough money for lunch and breakfast.

It’s so hard to find the motivation when I can’t stop thinking about “back in the days of semester break”. I try to remind myself about the importance of achieving my goals and keeping to my self-promises. I try a lot. I tell myself - Life was never meant to be easy. I should just stop complaining and do what I have to do. Just suck it up and do it. Do it, and reward yourself. Do it, and help yourself.

Then I’ll hit some mental block while doing my assignment and I just get demotivated all over again. And then I’ll start cursing the course coordinator and bitch about why they made 4th year so bloody difficult.

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.
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Inessa, no matter what. FINISH YOUR SHIT.