Thinspiration

I'm back in that world where every calorie counts and healthy eating rules.

Didn't really have any thinspiration. My body just spoke to me: it's time, Inessa.

Pants are tight and shorts feel uncomfortable! GRRR.

This is how smart people deal with stupid people

Education.



Note that Tim said after his Mexican friends started hanging out with him, he was seen as Tim to them, and no longer a Cino or Cilito(?). And before he educated them, they weren't ever aware that China was part of Asia or that "Asia" wasn't actually a country. Ignorance will continue unless the ignorant learns from the educated. Sometimes the ignorant can learn just simply by being engrossed in a culture. I dated a guy who actually thought Asian people looked the way they do because of a nuclear mutation. He wasn't even trying to be mean. He was puzzled by our unique looks and was curious by it. But it's still shocking isn't it? Nuclear mutation wtf. hahahah After I told him that we have eyes shaped as such due to evolution, and that they protected us from the dry, windy and sandy deserts back in the days, he was very surprised, but really happy to have learnt the new fact.

So what happens when someone ignorant is unwilling to learn about others, doesn't give a shit about others and continuously publicly disses others? Like Angeline Marri Austen? My guess is that she doesn't actually have true Malaysian / local friends. My guess is that she is in an international school or is living and only hanging out with international people who are very ignorant and obnoxious. If she actually gets off her high horse and interact with the locals she will have a different perspective. I would even argue that, she's not even at the same maturity level as those challenging her. She just didn't seem to grasp what others were trying to say. Its like, instead of understand others were trying to help her not be so offensive or judgmental, she thought others were trying to challenge/attack her. From her Facebook page she looked like a child. Then she claimed to be a law student. But judging by the way she was arguing with others, she made no sense and had no structure to her arguments at all. She is a child. But age can't be an excuse. I know children younger than her who are more mature and intelligent and most importantly humble.

The thing is, the more I write about this girl, the more angry I get because no one should be excused for such offensive and ignorant words. Then the more angry I get the more I think about how young and immature she is, that, I find I am wasting my time trying to talk about it. I can only hope age could teach her something or two about manners.... and fucking intelligence.

Ugh. I'm really glad I came across Tim's video though. A lot of people can't understand how people can get so ignorant. But then again, just because someone is ignorant doesn't mean they should easily be excused. Right? But what can we do? Except for hope that they grow up soon? I said this to JJ, guess I'll say it again, karma will be fair.

Karma... please get her good kthnxbye :)

Personal

My mother once told me, “You don’t have to tell your lover everything about you”. When she said this, she kept it general. It has many meanings to me, but I never really asked her about it. I took it for what it was, and used it whenever I found it useful. I remember a different day, my mother mentioned how she never asked about my father’s sexual history, and how he respectfully, never asked about hers. They were both just aware that... there WERE histories. So, I took her previous advice to this context, same advice you see on every magazine, men’s and women’s – don’t talk about the exes.

I have my curious days, and I have my uncurious days. Sometimes I know how to censor them, sometimes I don’t. Sometimes I was glad I asked about some things, and sometimes, I regretted it. There are a few things I regretted doing last night and today. People say you regret the things you didn’t do more than the things you did. Looking back now, that was so untrue for me.

I broke a lot of personal rules. In exactly the following order:

1. I didn’t follow the magazines’ advice – I asked about a sexual history.

Don’t get me wrong, it didn’t occur to me what kind of information I was actually asking for. In all honesty, there wasn’t much. But that lead to me breaking the following personal rule,

2. I took a comment personally.

You know you took a comment personally when you continue to think about it for more than a minute. I’m not sure how I felt, I still am not, and I struggle to explain how I felt, but I felt something. Something I feel so uncertain about that I continued to wonder what that was. This is me having a curious day. Combined with a period day. Maybe this was why I took things personally? Who knows, something was triggered in me, and I wanted to know what, and why. As usual, I kept to myself. This was me, trying to understand myself. If it was anger I was experiencing, I wanted to know to calm myself. If it was jealousy I was experiencing, I wanted to know to rationalise. If it was sadness that I was experiencing, I wanted to know to soothe myself. Because the biggest point of it all, was that the comment meant nothing to me. I know if I made a similar comment to Sam he wouldn’t even think twice about it. But me being the ex-psych student, I wanted to know why.

It must be the period right? I don’t know. I don’t wanna use my period as an excuse. It’s so lame. Like I said though, it’s a feeling I just don’t know how to express. Maybe the best word is Weird. Sam uses the word. It’s like when Sam’s dad’s friend got all Weird and stops in a conversation just to compliment me (few days ago). The friend didn’t mean any harm. Sam didn’t feel angry. But it just felt Weird. Even for me. It wasn’t even inappropriate. It was just Weird. And after last night’s comment I felt Weird and I wanted to know why. It’s so silly to take things personally. I want to be able to tell myself stop feeling Weird because it’s silly. Then that’s where I struggle, I don’t know how to stop feeling Weird when I don’t even know what I’m feeling. Then, I didn’t follow my mother’s advice, and

3. I told my lover everything.

To me, mom’s advice about “You don’t have to tell your lover everything about you” actually comes to play for this context. I usually deal with my issues alone. Personal issues. These are the issues I rather not discuss with others. These are personal weaknesses and battles that I rather fight and win alone. I confide in people about other things, like when I get frustrated with my relationship with my brother or mother or friends, my insecurities about the future, my health and the like – the nonpersonal issues. I have learnt this, also through past experience, that my individual self doesn’t benefit from revealing personal issues to another person. No matter how close that person is to me. I did that once, and all it ever resulted was me feeling even more vulnerable, even more scared, and a lot more insecure. But, that was because the ex was incapable of heart to heart communication anyway. Could just be his way of being him, but I learnt through him, that my way of being me, was to deal with my own personal issues alone. Other people may be the complete opposite. Many are very comfortable revealing the deepest darkest issues, and for some, talking about it to someone else really helps. But this is a self-realisation about myself, that I am not one of those people who benefit exposing my issues, and I function best working on them by myself. Maybe in this sense, I am my mother’s daughter. I know she keeps a lot to herself. But to me, that made her the strongest person I know, emotionally. At one point in my life, I thought that keeping to yourself was very oppressive and unhealthy. Sometimes I still believe that, which was why I didn’t follow my mother’s advice TODAY, and spoke to Sam about how I felt.

Sam inspires me to do a lot of things. More importantly Sam inspires me to challenge myself and one of the ways to challenge myself was to take risks. Sam always spoke about being honest with him, and how he really appreciates open communication. When he asked me tonight, what was I thinking about, I thought I could owe it to him to be honest and to take the risk, by telling him everything.

It didn’t turn out as well as it should. For one, I didn’t even know what I was trying to say. But I kept trying. The more I tried the more I wished I didn’t say anything. The more I explained myself, the more I was digging my own hole. He didn’t understand. And I understood that he didn’t understand. He wanted to. And I really am so thankful he wanted to understand and he tried. But he couldn’t.

In the end, what WAS there to say? I couldn’t even explain it. All I know is, the comment meant nothing and that I shouldn’t have dwelled on it like I did.

Sam felt a little uncomfortable that I kept all of this in my mind, and for that long. I dug another hole yet again by trying to explain. I can’t remember what I said to him, but I wanted to let him know that, this whole thing was just a stupid personal battle. I’ve never been so in love in my life, or have ever felt protective of such an amazing and honest relationship, that, I guess I try so hard to never be obsessive or overly sensitive, which happened the last time I was in love. I am naturally easy going. For many reasons I didn’t find my ex to be a very good boyfriend and indirectly this made me a person I couldn’t stand – the obsessive overly sensitive. The fact that I was very aware of who I was becoming, prolly is a huge factor of why I like to be in-tuned to my personal feelings and issues. I like that I could see what was happening to me, and I was able to end the relationship knowing it wasn’t good for me. I guess, that isn’t just a strength, it is also a weakness, to always wanting to be in-tuned to my own inner dialogues. When I am quiet, not every time but most times, this is what I do, I reflect on my emotions. It’s just who I am.

I hated the way my conversation with Sam continued/ended. I was a wreck. My mind was all over the place. I couldn’t express myself and this bothered me badly because I really did want Sam to know this part of me. I just really had no clue where to start and how. Now that I’ve written everything down, not only does it feel like a burden have been lifted, I am more sure of myself than I’d ever been. You know what’s the silliest thing? I’m not even bothered by the comment anymore. I was actually WAY MORE bothered by not being able to explain and express myself to Sam. This post alone took me hours to write up. But it cleared a lot of air to me. It doesn’t matter now what I felt when I heard the comment, I’m just so fucking glad I could leave the feeling as “unknown” and move on. I stay very true to my personal rules, but I believe in growth. I will continue to keep some issues to myself, but, I’m also going to continue to challenge myself. So…. Here’s my big step, I’m going get Sam to read this!

Rereading this all over, let me rephrase about regretting what I did. I don’t regret it anymore : ) if my conversation with Sam didn’t happen, I would never have come to move on this quickly. Mannnn… : ) *phew

Worst Nightmare

Ever.

I dreamt that I was being chased by some gang who for some reason enjoyed torturing people for the heck of it.

I kept running and running. Then, I'd been shot by thin arrows from the back. I felt the pain. (I thought you don't feel pain during dreams??) I've never felt so scared of something or someone in my entire life. I knew they were going to do something to me. I was panicking as I ran up a bushy hill. I started getting weak and losing consciousness, from being tired and injured, but as I start passing out, I heard the barbarians getting closer, laughing.

Upon gaining consciousness, I found myself tied to a chair and in front of me, were pictures of dead people. The barbarians were laughing and pointing at the pictures indicating I was next. I was crying, shouting, screaming for help, but it felt like I was in some trailer at some secluded desert. The photographs were horrific. Do you know what embroideries are?

They're that kind of stitching, where its particularly thick and its makes that protruding effect.

The dead bodies on the photographs had embroideries stitched on to their backs. And with not just normal thread, but thick metal thread like

I know right?!!?!? What the hell!

I was so so scared. They pushed my head to look at the photos even closer, pointing at them, and laughing again. I kept screaming "HELP!" till my throat hurt. Finally, I woke up from my sleep.. as I woke up I heard my self trying to yell out help though it sounded like a soft cry.

I was still scared when I woke up :(

2 nights ago I saw a few minutes of a psycho thriller movie. But those few minutes scared me enough. It was about a hitchhiker with psycho/killer tendencies. I think the cruelness of my dream may have came from that... like the psychoness of embroidering human backs with metal thread. But how that came from........... it popped up in my head yesterday, that it could be because of my anxiety and nervousness about starting uni again. I've read the unit outlines and my God, masters' nothing like bachelors'! So much shit to do. I was really really nervous about where I would stand in class. I wondered whether I'd be the only clueless one about HR or will there be others like me. Would I be the only quiet one when the lecturer asks the class something? Will it look obvious? Then there were readings we were supposed to have done prior to the first classes. And then there were textbooks I haven't bought. Emails I haven't checked.

Maybe I was wishing to run away because I felt that masters was going to be such. a. torture. I don't know! I just know the dream was fucking scary. And I was pretty fucking scared of being in my first class in a different university.

Well. I had my first Globalisation and Industrial Change class today. I was most worried about this one. I'm happy to say, I enjoyed that class a lot. I loved listening to the lecturer. Aside from being really engaging and having a brilliant mind, he literally sounds like an older Stewie. Stewie from Family Guy.

He's probably gay who knows... he just has that bit of flare about him.

And I didn't feel that stupid in class :D There were in fact a number of people from a psych background who didn't know a single thing about Globalisation.

I at least, know a tiny bit :)

Masters is an opportunity for me to start afresh. My bachelor grades were so borderline. And they were because I really didn't put in as much effort as I should have. I believe the marks I got were fair. This time, I'm going to aim high from the beginning. I won't be lazy. I will do my weekly homework. I will participate in class. And I will do well. I have a blank canvas...... and I want to put fucking flying colours on that shit. I've always settled for a pass and theres nothing wrong with a pass. I wanted I guess, the passes. I never aimed for the moon so that I could fall on the stars, I aimed for the clouds so that I could.. kill birds. And I've always tried... to kill two birds.. with one stone. That was exactly how I operated. How lazy I was. Using a shortcut whenever possible. Well this time would be different.

No more shortcuts.