Baking!

So, in a few days I baked some:

 coffee and salted caramel macarons

mocha (coffee and dark chocolate) macarons

banana bread

red velvet cupcakes with rose water cream cheese frosting

These are my resting macarons. 

This is a very very important step in macaron making because they seriously determine the strength of the crust and size of feet when being baked.

This is the salted caramel ^^

Ready! they are pretty awesome!

Always find matching pairs and arrange them neatly to help with piping.

And one little bugger didn't have a pair. 

So I triple layered one macaron!

And as usual.... I always overpipe the fillings.....

And then topped with cocoa powder.

These were the batches for the mocha macarons.

The difference of the biscuit was that I dusted cocoa powder on them while they were still wet and resting.

Look at the size of those feet! 

No flash

These are the mini banana breads I made using the one last banana in the house. 

That was all of it - 2 muffins, from one banana.. and they tasted sooo good fresh from the oven with butter.

I saw this while having lunch in a Japanese restaurant today.

I don't know if you can see it but I think... the subject is wripping off condom wrapper using her mouth?

Anyway,

Red velvet cupcakes!

These are mini ones.

Rose water cream cheese frosting. 

Dear Malaysian friends, its basically bandung flavoured cream cheese frosting :D yep, the saaame syrup.

My frosted mini cupcakes.

And a summary photo of my latest baked goods.

Red velvet cupcake with rose water cream cheese frosting, and,

Mocha macarons (there were some salted caramel in these ones too 

because I didn't want to chuck the left overs hehe)

By the way! I bought some disposable piping bags with reusable piping tips (came in the same packet). Yayy.. they weren't even expensive but they make a huge difference on the cupcakes don't they. 

Good night~

Food again

This is what I did with some failed macarons and left over orange chocolate ganache - I squashed them a little and layered them in a ramekin bowl with chocolate between the layers and on top. 

Despite how ugly the photo is, it was so goooodd. Kept me going when I was stressed with my assignment!

Yet another ugly photo of something that tasted like fat heaven - the cheesiest omelet ever. Mixed with my eggs were basil pesto, a bit of milk and a bit of chicken stock. When it was almost done, I put shredded cheese and bocconcini (buffalo cheese) on the omelet, then rolled ot as soon as they all melted.

And I made more macarons last night! And they turned out really nice :) and cute!
For some reason, I wasn't thinking when I put pink colouring in... especially when I did mango fillings! duuurrr.. but anhyway.. still turned out nice ya. I put some lime zest in my mango cream too, as you can see.. the little bit of green on the photo.

^^ cooking and baking makes me so happy!

Assignmenting

First I worry about not having enough detail to write up recommendations.

Then I get frustrated that it takes so God damn long to write them up.

Then after spending so much time planning and writing, I worry that I can't fit all of them in

Then at the end I become thankful that I can't fit all of them in anyway because I'd rather be stuck with having to deal with what I've written than to put in the effort replace those fucking words.

Life of a last minuter :)

Ps. I'm going to fucking bake today!

Successful Macarons!

Yesterday, after trying three times and failing all three times, I finally made a GREAT batch of chocolate macarons!

This is what happened (following a recipe I haven't attempted before. This was different to the green (pineapple-avo) ones, which were also different to the pink (lychee) ones):

The first time, I cracked ALL of them in 2 minutes, they had no feet, and they were under cooked inside. So I thought, OVEN TEMPERATURE must have been too high.

The second time, I lowered the temperature a little and this time followed one advice which was not to rest them (contrary to every other macaron advice) and to cook them straight after piping, and to make sure they bake for about 25 minutes. In the end of that, some cracked (not all), a few developed feet, but they turned out like meringue cookies i.e. they just crumbled when bitten into rather than have the crisp followed by chewiness.

The third time, I used a different recipe, one which I was more familiar with - the one I used to do the lychee ones. I rested them, put the temperature even lower, and placed one baking tray above and one below my macaron tray and cooked for 20 minutes. The end? Same result as the second time, except the center was chewier and less crumbly.

After the third time, I was tempted to bake again. However whilst making the butter cream I got tired, and thought I'd sleep on it and just bake the next day (which was today). While I was in bed, I kept thinking about what I've been doing wrong. I basically fell asleep thinking about macarons.

But I got it - Thinking about the times I made them previously and succeeded, compared to last night.... I HAVEN'T BEEN FOLDING THE BATTER RIGHT. And I remember being very cautious with the folding (aka macaronage) and I even intentionally folded much less compared to normal because I remember reading so much about how easy it was to over fold.

zomggggggggg as soon as I realised this I couldn't wait to wake up the next day and start baking again.

I did exactly that this afternoon (woke up so late because I went to bed at 4 -_-).

I was careful with my macaronage (even tested the consistency), piped the little babies, and laid them out to rest.

TIP* If your piped buttons have nipples when you pipe them, and they won't flatten after tapping the trays against the bench tops, they need more folding!

Up close:

As you can see on the photo, if some of them still show a wittle bitty bit of nipple, it's still good. Just know that you should get worried when they become too runny and flattened way too much way too early.

The result from the right macaronage, the right temperature for 25 minutes and resting:

Cute macarons... with feet and uncracked!! :3 yaayyyyy

And I made salted caramel butter cream fillings, once assembled, they look like this

Yayyy mee!!! They look so cute and taste yummmmooooo B)

Practice does make perfect :)

Failed macarons (again!)

So far I've been trying to bake macarons using the french meringue method (as opposed to the italian). I baked agan during the weekend, this time I used green colouring on the biscuits and made pineapple-avocado-white-chocolate-ganache filling (recipes from Poh's Kitchen). The things on top are ground szechuan pepper (tried to be artsy fartsy).

And I failed agan! 

Anddd.... ALL my macarons cracked :(

ROAR!!!! I WANNA DO THEM AGAIN. I kinda get how guys get motivated when they get rejected by girls now.. hahaha

The next time I try this I'm gonna use the italian meringue method. So this requires the extra step of making sugar syrup, and while hot and at a certain temperature then add them slowly to the egg whites to beat. etc etc etc.

I'm gonna need a kitchen thermometer, but I'm gonna try without one since I've done something similar (while I was doing the pineapple-avocado-white-chocolate-ganache filling).

Anyway, I had heaps of filling left when I made the macarons. SO, I made cupcakes and coloured the leftovers fillings yellow, then filled my cupcakes "butterfly" style.

Gaahhh.. cute right!??! hahahah cupcakes are seriously so much easier to make -_-"

I WILL MASTER YOU MACARONS!

Food projects across the year

Mind you, some photos are better than others. 

At least I'm making the effort right :)

OK, from the oldest to the latest....

Sam and I did this dinner ages ago for some of my family friends. Going clockwise: Top right is my famous sweet potato mash with mustard seeds, next to that, my famous potatoes twice cooked (boiled then baked with pork oil in the oven), Sam's famous slow roasted garlic-lemon-fennel pork shoulder with crispy skin, steak salad with feta cheese, avocado, spinach, grilled capsicum and grilled zucchini, and lastly, Sam's delicious spring chicken.

Passionfruit macarons and mini caramel-filled chocolate cakes (for a friend's surprise birthday) - I didn't make the macarons. A friends did, but eventually I learnt from her how to make them and you'll see my lychee flavoured ones towards the bottom of this post :)

Mmmmm 24-hour cooked steak, thanks to Sam. With grilled eggplant and sweet potato mash again. We just love grilling veggies. hehe.. and we love our mash!

Red velvet cake with orange cream cheese frosting - can't really see the red. Well it wasn't even that red, it was more burgundy coloured. haha.. still yummy though.

Sam and I had a break and stopped doing anything really.. for awhile. And after a long period of not cooking or baking. Sam did something!

He made fresh pasta! He flavoured one batch with chilli flakes and the other with ground pepper. Yummo! and so easy :) 

This was the documented mess.

We continued to cook heaps but never took any photos. And they were really good food too. 

Anyway, the following are most recent. I went on a macaron craze trying to do it but failed. So to reclaim some pride, I made something I missed eating and made sure that it was EASY and fail proof.

Sticky date pudding! I think I made them at least 3 times. I loooved the recipe I found online. I started putting instant coffee powder the second time on ward and I prefer it that way now :) Those are frozen blueberries in the picture and they go so well with the pudding.

So I finally decided to give macarons a try. 5th time lucky! But I really couldn't have done it without my friend's help and tips... such temperamental biscuits these ones. But so worth it :)

Lychee buttercream macarons! This was using Poh's recipe (yes the 1st runner-up from the first season of AU Master Chef! Google "Poh's kitchen macaron" and you'll find the recipe!)

I was so excited I could make macarons but they were not exactly "crispy" on the outside like macarons should be and a lot of mine stuck to the baking paper. So I made another batch the next day, letting them sit longer before baking, and preheating the oven at a very high heat but bringing it down as soon as I put the macarons in. This time I had yellow colouring on them, and I made salty caramel fillings. 

*Sorry, no photo :(*

They turned out crispier - just what I wanted, BUT, most of them still stuck to the pan, and sticking to the pan means they were under cooked. Yet, the shells were starting to brown ever so slightly by the time I took them out. So, my analysis is, the heat is still too high, and I take them out earlier than I should. 

Oh yeah, I screwed up the original recipe for the salty caramel too. First, I screwed up the method for mixing the caramel, and I had sugar syrup instead which I didn't know what to do with. I thought, keep, these are great for iced coffees! (lol) the cheap asian in me. Then I tried making the second time, and I screwed it up because I burnt the mixture. The colour actually looked alright. But when I tasted? not alright. BURNT. So I chucked them. Then I ran out of cream. A crucial ingredient to the caramel. 

I panicked, then looked over at the sugar syrup. And thought, okay, I'll improvise with this and I did. I threw half the syrup away, but put in more butter and brown sugar (like what I do for the caramel of my sticky date pudding), and tada! Made my salty caramel.

Problem was, I didn't let it cool enough (too excited) and didn't beat/mix it enough (too excited) to make it the right texture to pipe as fillings. I piped anyway. But they couldn't hold shape and dripped everywhere.

AT LEAST, they were very tasty :p

(Ugh.. I wanna master these babies. And this weekend will be my opportunity to try again! muahah)

When I was done with the salty caramel macarons, I had a lot of left over caramel. 

What did I do?

Baked sticky date pudding. Why? 

Well why waste the caramel!

I bought more cream from the supermarket and started modifying the caramel, baked another sticky date pudding, ate the sticky date pudding (shared), and then...

I had left over caramel.

What did I do with the left over caramel!? 

No, I never waste.

I made caramel buttercream for the cupcakes that I made for my brother's birthday!

Here is the prettiest I could do with frosting. By the way, I've been using those freeze plastic bags to pipe all the baked goods. So considering that, I think I did well ya :D

The caramel buttercream was yummo, BUT.... the actual cupcake had the texture of a muffin. They tasted great... even had white chocolate chips in them. But... they were NOT cupcakes. They were frosted muffins. A little sad, and disappointed, and dissatisfied. I started researching like crazy and was excited to try again asap.

I came across Nigella Lawson's recipe and was pretty confident they were the right recipe I was looking for (and they were!). So, without wasting time..... in the same week. I went to try her recipe.

Below are her "royal icing" cupcakes, aka meringue icing cupcakes.

I didn't have icing sugar which she recommended for the icing. So I used caster sugar and stupidly added the same amount as what Nigella would recommend for icing sugar. The "meringue" was gross. So I used my newly developed (and still developing) baking sense to correct it. I set aside half of the grainy and sickly sugary meringue, and beat two more egg whites on a separate bowl. I didn't add more sugar to stiffen the egg whites, instead I added half the failed meringue which I set aside to stiffen them. And TADA. Grainy sickly sugary meringue transformed! See picture above :)

I added yellow colouring because I had a twist to Nigella's recipe. 

I added more lemon juice than the recommended amount and some lemon zest for lemon flavoured icing!

Then I had left over icing because I used extra egg whites to correct my meringue.

Again, I didn't wanna waste them. So I added MORE zest to the meringue, MORE lemon, and more sugar to stiffen it even more... and baked mini lemon pavlovas! and had them with mangoes and mango sorbet ^^ (yum!)

Then.....

Unlike Nigella's icing, the icing on my cupcakes never formed a thin crust. Maybe because it had different ingredients? I was unhappy with how soft it remained so I chucked my cupcakes in the fridge the next day to see if they would harden in a few hours.

They didn't.

Still unhappy... and MORE unhappy because my cupcakes were not cold and dense. I started thinking how I might improve them. Then, I thought about what I did with the leftover meringue the last night.

!!!!

I decided to add another twist to Nigella's cupcakes. And baked them in the oven for a few minutes to make PAVLOVA CUPCAKES! 

I even added some white chocolate chips to decorate them.

Tada! Cold/hard cupcake with overly soft meringue icing turned hot pavlova cupcake with white chocolate chips! The pavlova top was just the way I wanted it to be.. crispy crust outside, marshmallowy inside.

This was only yesterday. But I was so happy I made cupcakes with the right texture, I wanted to make them again but wanted a different look and frosting.

So........ tonight, I attempted by first multi-coloured cupcakes!

Too much blue colouring fell in one of my batter :( so the purple bits weren't that nice looking. (All my cupcakes were topped with purple)

At least my piping is improving :D

And the insides. The pink and orange parts were too similar.. so they looked like one colour :( The frosting recipe was also Nigella's. But I added a shot of coffee because I wanted mocha flavoured frosting. In the end, even though they looked odd..... they tasted yum ^^!

Gosh this post took longer than I expected!

Anyway.... I'm gonna bake again very soon I can guarantee that.

Heheee good night!

So cool!

http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2011/sep/24/twins-black-white?fb_source=home_multiline&fb_action_types=news.reads&fb_action_ids=10150421974147216&fb_ref=U-vusOD9DK9sxf4EwgIgoiyd-CFCONX01FRS-323vxXXX

It's an article about a pair of teenage twins (boys) - one is white while the other is black. One is gay, the other straight. One likes to study and the other doesn't.

Have a read :)

Ps. whoever thinks Australia isn't racist can eat their own shit.

xoxo!

Quickie

I have been MIA lately but here's what has happened over the past few weeks.

I've been eating like a pig. Either encouraged by stress or just simply being a food enthusiast, or both, not to mention having a foodie boyfriend as well. Definitely all the above. We've been going out to eat and cooking for people. Unfortunately I'm not a blog enthusiast so I never took any photos to share! heh :p

Obviously, from going out for meals and cooking for others too often... my bank account is also becoming anorexic. Sigh...... what is silly though, is that I just spent money by shopping online (I bought 3 dresses). I can't help it. When I work under stress, I look for ways to reward myself for working so hard! If I don't cook or bake I turn to retail therapy. How?

Now, I'm not gonna describe how much work I have done, just know that I've been stressing over it (hence the money spending and eating). What's worse is because of so much HOMEwork, I don't get to do REAL WORK much at all! I don't like not earning money... especially when I'm still spending money! But if I work, I don't get homework done :( And if I don't get homework done, I fail! If I fail, my parents have to spend more money on me! D:

Oh and you know what else has taken over since I've been working on my assignments? MY ACNE. HOMGAH. The acne on my face is like a Dalmatian's pattern :( Its horrible because I'm a chronic picker. And I pick the most when I'm stressed.. which means my skin never gets a chance to heal and instead the picking makes my already stressed pimples even stressed.

ON a different note, what's been keeping me going is the end of year. My holidays are eventful! Here's how the schedule from December onwards:

1st - Hen's night in SG!
3rd - Wedding ceremony!
4th - Wedding reception!
5th - 15th KK!
16th - 15th Jan Vancouver! (And while in Vancouver, ski trip in Whistler for 2 weeks!)

And back in KK!

See? all the reason to stay positive. I feel better already :)

And I feel better about buying dresses online too? I can wear all of them in this holiday! hehe!

Here are the links to the dresses I bought (I can't save their pictures :c)

http://www.lucyinthesky.com.au/shop/laws-of-infatuation-dress

http://www.lucyinthesky.com.au/shop/fantasy-feeling-party-dress-in-sherbet

http://www.lucyinthesky.com.au/shop/a-moment-or-two-dress

:D :D :D :D I can't wait to get my hands on them!

Preciousness

No doubt, I have been stressing for the past few weeks. I felt a little better though when my parents were here. Now its back to reality. Instead of doing my work, I worry about them. I get stressed about assignments before I even start them, and when I stress about assignments I stress about my future. How likely is it that, by failing this one assignment, my chances of getting a decent job is lowered? How likely is it that, by the time I'm finished with my course, I actually even have a full-time job?

I used to believe it doesn't matter what I do in the future, as long as I'm happy doing it and that it pays enough for me to live a comfortable life. I'd picture a healthy family in a modest home, a pet or two, not worrying about bills, or education for my children. In saying that, I'm not talking about the kind of "comfortable" that allows luxury cars or annual around-the-world trips... I don't need and want that much. Yet (the big yet), the more I think about it, the more I've come to realise that comfortable still.. means.. money.

So I'd think to myself, is comfortable too much, anyway?

The first drive home after I purchased the VW, it hit me, how lucky and fortunate I was to be in that position. I thought, there are so many people in the world, millions, in hunger, in poverty, in dirt, in shelter homes... many of those, have never even been/sat in a car, let alone own one. No one they knew, none of their friends or their families, ever able to afford even a taxi.

I worry about disappointing my parents and leaching off them as an adult, yet I have all the reasons in the world, NOT to.

Within the last few days I had heard 2 devastating news. The first is, one of my brother's high school friends was diagnosed with terminal cancer. And second, a terrible car accident in the city where a 20yr girl, who was drink driving, and having fun with speeding, lost control with her car and resulted her killing one of her friends. Due to the impact, the poor girl (who wasn't wearing her seat belt) was thrown through the windows. And died on the scene.

Just imagine, knowing you haven't much time to live, or, you have killed a best friend just for a moment of reckless fun? It hurts. And it hurts to be on the other side too, to know your son haven't much time to live, or to know you've lost a daughter whom you had dreamed about one day taking care of you on your last days.

Life is so precious. You've heard it time and time again... we all have. And we still tend to forget about it.

I have been counting my blessings. Although it doesn't completely remove my stresses, I am a lot more appreciative that I have the kind of stresses I have now and nothing more, and most importantly that I still have my loved ones in my life. These relationships are what makes everything else irrelevant. And I do try to remind myself every day.

C:

Because of them, I know I'll be alright.

IT REALLY IS because of them, that my imperfect life feels most perfect, uncertainties and all.



God bless everyone............ even those who don't believe!

Toodles from the Ngoodles.

Russell Brand's perspective on the recent riots

It was a really really good post guys. Click here and have a read :) He writes so well I hate it and love it at the same time.

Business

Father: I want u to marry a girl of my choice.

Son: No!

Father: The girl is Bill Gates' daughter.

Son: Then, ok....

*Father goes to Bill Gates......


Father: I want your daughter to marry my son.

Bill Gates: No!

Father: My son is the CEO of the World Bank


Bill Gates: Then, ok....

*Father goes to the President of the World Bank...

Father: Appoint my son as the CEO of your bank.

President: No!

Father: He is the son-in-law of Bill Gates.

President: Then ok!






Loldermort!

Uni's back on

And stress is also back on D:

I get so tense just reading my unit outlines. There is so much to do... for all four subjects. Its just the first week and already I find everything hard to digest.

And since I haven't bought any of the prescribed textbooks, I have lots to do during the weekend. Readings for this week AND next week. And apparently I have a test as well next Wednesday.

What the fuck is this?!

X-Men: First Class

Fucking 5 stars! 

I don't even remember the last movie I favourited. I just know, before tonight, I didn't have a favourite movie for a LONG LONG time and X-men: First Class definitely solved that problem.

Current favourite movie of all time... and bloody movie OF THE YEAR hands down. Yeah yeah, it is still only beginning of June, I reckon it'll be hard for ANY movie to beat it though!

:D

ZOMGFUCKINGLOVEDX-MENICAN'TGETOVERIT!

"Someday, someone will come along, and you'll be thanking God none of your other relationships worked."

Why do people hold grudges against their exes... I don't know. Let me just tell you... I myself am not perfect. No one can be at peace 24/7, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. At one point about a year ago, I was very sure I  didn't want to hold a grudge against a certain ex. I made a choice and that choice was to accept the past without resentment. I managed to follow through, I managed not to grit my teeth every time my ex's name was mentioned.

And then tonight happened. I felt my teeth grit, my blood boil and my head steam. It's the best example of :):.

The :) part was me patting myself on the back, because I was right. I was fucking right the whole time. Something was not right about our relationship but I never had cold hard evidence. I was even half hoping for evidence so that I could make the decision quickly. The decision to stay with this guy or leave. Obviously, I noticed soon enough... that looking for a problem to leave the guy, is a pretty strong indication itself of a relationship not worth being part of. So, with little evidence, I broke up with the guy anyway. I didn't mourn over the relationship. I didn't miss him. I only started resenting him when I found out he moved on instantly. With a lot of people. I resented him SO much, because to me, this, was my evidence. Him moving on so quickly, was my evidence. I felt that I invested way more than he did emotionally, only now I had evidence. I felt that he was never mine, only now I had evidence. I was right the whole time. My gut was right the whole time. And I've always took pride for doing what I did, that was to break up before things became worse.

The ): part... really.. it comes and goes. And for the longest time I thought it went for good. I guess, tonight showed that its still there. I've only just successfully hid it at the back of my mind for a while, and it came out to play. The ): part is me feeling absolute hatred for this guy. I just want to punch his face. Or throw kettle bells at it or something. And this, just because I hear about him hitting on new colleagues and hooking up with them. IT MAKES ME SO ANGRY! but also depressed.. and embarrassed...... because it happened to me. I was played like a fool. And I thought I was so smart. I know we live and we learn, but this is a little different because I broke up with him without knowing any of this anyway. Now that I do, just feels like a huge slap on my face. The things is, its not his fault for being the kind of person that he is. I still fucking hate him for being that way, but I know wouldn't hate him this much if I hadn't disappointed myself this much.

Whats worse.. its pointless to even hold the resentment. But you know what? I think it's bloody okay. We're human. And its human to feel this way. It may not be productive, but I think its realistic. Instead of trying to fight against my natural emotions, I will.... let myself be. And boil over it, then get over it. Its just a matter of time. and age.. I guess. Whatever.

In the meantime, you have no idea how much this quote means to me right now.

"Someday, someone will come along, and you'll be thanking God none of your other relationships worked."

This quote really soften all the blows. And it does mean a lot to me in the sense that, I wouldn't appreciate the relationship I have with Sam as much as I do now, if my previous relationship (and what came after it) didn't happen. He is such a star in this silly haze.

I told him he's Professor X (X-men) and Jason Statham (Transporter) put in one. The perfect combination of class/suave and rustic. Of sharp and edgy. Of nerdy and sporty. Of calm and explosive etc etc

Isn't he Professor X and Jason Statham in one body?????

:)

:p

I wanna watch this with the gufwens!

Food

Yeaahhh... quality of the xperia. The food were actually yummerzzzz, the photo didn't do it justice :)

We're cooking tomorrow!

Sam and I are having Cass, Marius, Clare, Joel and Gabe over for dinner tomorrow night :D

The menu:

For mains (same time with entree)

Peppered steak on salad leaves 

with grilled capsicum, avocado, purple onions 

and zucchini topped... with some feta.

Crispy skinned pork belly (roasted all day) 

with lemon, fennel and garlic seasoning

Spring roast chicken... Sam's style 

(i.e. I don't know exactly what goes on there, 

I just know its super delicious)

and

Sweet potato mash with honey mustard seeds

For dessert

I forgot what it's called 

but its a custard dessert that Gabe will be making in Sam's kitchen :D

Happy joy joy only food completes my life! (literally)

Lets hope I remember to take photos :)

For the person who told me to update something more interesting

Break ups are hard. One always feels worse than the other and when its time to finally let go, parts of us still remain scarred. We carry the hurt and we find ways to learn and grow with the hurt for future relationships to come. Sometimes the hurt brings more trouble, in the sense that one experience brought too much heartache you try to avoid making the same mistake in the next one, and because it hurt so much you try extra hard to stop it but end up neglecting other important aspects of a relationship.

Well, humans aren't like vampires. We don't have a switch for pain or feelings that we can turn on and off. We can only find new ways to get by. I can't promise the day will come when you finally stopped wondering about your previous half. I can't promise that he will never come back to you either. For as long as he remained the most interesting thing to think about, you will keep thinking about him. Regardless how much you've accepted that things are over.

The thing is, the best part is yet to come. That thing about, always hoping when you receive a text it is from that one person, about, always hoping a missed call was from the same person... one day someone will surprise you, about how long that "bliss" can last. I'm not talking about break ups anymore. I'm talking about meeting someone, who after 15 months of dating you're still hoping that whatever call or text you have on your phone is from that person. I never imagined this possible... but it really is one of the sweetest surprises of life.

Imagine the magnitude of feeling shitty, turned around to the same magnitude but feeling so excited. And the fact that its a feeling of excitement just makes it so much more empowering. I've said the things about time healing the wounds, and letting yourself feel emo to fully let things out, I've mentioned to imagine happiness without being dependent, and also things like being honest to yourself... what you truly want and be responsible about achieving them. Now I'm asking, imagine happiness while you're with someone, someone that you don't know yet, keep the image blurry. Someone who shares the same humor with you, the same temperament, someone who inspires you to be better than yourself without losing the slightest bit of who you truly are. And imagine that even after years of knowing each other, an unexpected text from that particular human being, still without fail lights up your day.

Just imagine. I'm not asking anyone to fantasize. Just to imagine.

And I can tell you with so much certainty, that one day, someone will surprise you with these delights and even more. I don't know what else to say, except be excited. Sure moments are dull right now, but you have no idea what's in store for you. Instead of looking at it with gloom, why not try think of it as something you should be excited about? Till that day of surprises comes, don't over-think the situation, instead, just know at the back of your mind that it will come soon enough.

:)

I have finally have a positive update

Sam is coming to KK with me later mid year :D

SHOOO EXCITED.

That's 2 months away!

heheheheheheheeh

Ok back to work.

After all that crap

I've decided to change my essay topic. To my surprise, I wasn't struggling as bad. Still, I have only just written my introduction. I don't know why I waited till now to change  the topic.

All that time before - wasted. Seriously. Kill me.

And I forgot I also have a 2-page summary to hand in, on top of the 2 different essays due.

How the hell did I end up this way?

Blocked

I can't believe I wasted so much time this week.

I have two essays due next week. I have ZERO words down. I am freaking out. I keep writing up plans and skeletons to help me start but I keep getting blocked. Everything I think about ends up being backed by "buts" and "why" and "I don't know"!

I feel a bit helpless.

And here she is!

Aunty Flow has arrived.

I'm hardly the negative kind

But tonight I have the urge to erase a huge chunk of my Facebook friends list.

I think I will do it. What's the point if people don't recognise me on the streets right :)


*Edit: About 200 off my list.

O.O

Who will I be.


What will I be.


Who will be with me.


Will the things important to me today, be just as important a year from now?


Part of me wants to strive for everything, because I know I deserve everything.

Yet, another part of me tries to keep me grounded and to pace myself, because I know "everything" never means everything.

I just don't want to lose myself in the midst of fighting. I like to absorb and count all the blessings that I have. The thing about reality, is that it's a reality of your own. Its good and bad. One day, this reality tells you, nothing should ever cause you to worry, it makes sense, the world is for us to live. So we should live. A different day, another reality shows that, you have to worry. If you don't worry, you'll never be pushed to explore your capacities.

Where is the line?


I am witnessing how rapidly things are changing, how the world never stops spinning, how everyone around me is developing, I can almost picture how the future of others will turn out... just not mine. I don't want a lot for my future. Basically, I don't care what it is I end up doing, I just want to be happy and content. My loved ones for ever present in all the precious moments of my life.

I don't want a lot for my future. But, could that still be too much?

:/

My period is coming, I've been listening to Alicia Keys, my boyfriend's not in town, my parents are hours away and my best friends are not online...

I couldn't help myself but ponder.

Started reading Xanga blogs again

Interesting stuff! I actually forgot how great Xanga's developed. Normally, one of my favourite sections of chick mags are the relationships or confessions and embarassing stories, Xanga has communities of blogs dedicated to each of them! And their homepage shows featured blogs and most viewed etc. Really easy to filter out what you actually rather read about.

I think I found another website I can waste my time to during work :D

I came across this blog 5 minutes ago. As you can tell from the link, its a blog where people anonymously write their secrets to that eventually will be published for everyone to see. We all love secrets, don't we!

http://confessionsandsecrets.xanga.com/746462331/secrets-xii/

That was an interesting post. Have to say, some were very sad :/ but hmm.. makes u wonder as well, if you ever find out whether something like those things happened to you.

:)

I is a happy camper

I've completed my essay~ I worked hard, but I'm not sure if I worked smart :/

I think I did a good job. Normally I never bother to check anything after I've finished, but I checked and checked and edited and checked and edited this time. I really want to do well, but I just don't know what to expect! I'm scared :c I put in so much effort and I'm scared my results are gonna come out shit anyway. I've been very committed this semester, and I can bear to see all that goes to waste when I have an average mark.

Hmmph.

And Sam is awayyyyyyyyy. He's in KL now.

I want him home :(

Actually, we spoke about going to KK mid year. It doesn't matter really if he's unable to make it. I WANT to go back and see my family. It will be a bonus if he makes it too :) Sam says he wants to go fishing. hahaha.. I'm sure Papa can organise something for us. I've only ever went on a fishing trip once. And I only caught one fish. This was in Pulau Tiga.

I wanna take Sam to the mud volcano!

-

I just went out to the kitchen and Rett's watching this film about the guy whose arm got caught between the rocks and after days being stuck, he broke his bones and cut off his arm to free himself! You've heard of the story???? The movie is gruesome!!! I came out just in time to see him snipping his nerves off and screaming in pain!!! I'm traumatised D':

Who You Are

I stare at my reflection in the mirror...

Why am I doing this to myself?

Losing my mind on a tiny error,

I nearly left the real me on the shelf ...

"no,no, no, no..."

Don't lose who you are, in the blur of the stars

Seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing,

It's okay not to be okay...

Sometimes it's hard, to follow your heart.

Tears don't mean you're losing, everybody's bruising,

Just be true to who you are

(Who you are)x11

Brushing my hair, do I look perfect?

I forgot what to do to fit the mould , yeah!

The more I try the less it's working yeah yeah yeah

Cause everything inside me screams, "no,no,no,no..."

Don't lose who you are, in the blur of the stars!

Seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing,

It's okay not to be okay

Sometimes it's hard, to follow your heart.

But tears don't mean you're losing, everybody's bruising,

There's nothing wrong with who you are!

Yes, no, egos

Fake shows like woah

Just go, and leave me alone

Real talk real life

Good love goodnight

With a smile that's my home

That's my home

Don't lose who you are, in the blur of the stars

Seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing,

It's okay not to be okay

Sometimes it's hard, to follow your heart.

Tears don't mean you're losing, everybody's bruising,

Just be true to who you are

Who you are